Lany Ann Nemenzo                                                  2SVE01

BVE- 2-12                                                                    Journal #1

October 8, 2021                             

                                     Working It Out

I always believe in the saying that "Loving your body is about being comfortable in your body, and only you get to set the parameters of that" For years, my body keeps on going back and forth to fit fat and vice versa. During elementary and High School, I was visibly different from being too tall or too fat compared to my peers. I am a happy kid and never really bothered by that comparison of others. I even thought it was an advantage. I look like a reliable and sporty person but apparently, I wasn't. This year it was one of my promise

 to myself to try to be fit and healthy. Going back to 2017-2019 was y fit and healthy days. I was able to maintain my body and work hard with reasonable health goals on my mind. But the pandemic and up today. It becomes a battle of mind vs my body. This week I tried to set aside my if's and excuses and try to become healthy again. I was able to start doing routine exercises. Stretching, yoga, and mindfulness are always on the routine. Eating less than I usually do is a challenge as my palate and stomach feel weird about the changes. But after a week of trying it continuously, my body and mind feel different. I felt that after going out for a while. Walking feels different. My heart feels different. If other people might hear this, It will sound so over and necessary, but it was a great relief.  Like; Trusting myself again, setting my mind to the goal, Working with my body.  I tried a lot times before, but this was the first, 

most consistent week of exercising, meditatingand taking care of my health. I lost about 4 kilos that week, and it was such a relief. And as I look back with a smile on my face, why did I do this? It was a long time promise to myself. I was too engaged with other people's business, helping and talking life and planning things, but what I had with myself was still unchecked, so it feels like if I can work something out with others, why can't I with myself? I have to do what I promise myself first might be too late or not. I should still do that. I realized that I should always apply this kind of heart and mind with me now and in the future. Plans are necessary to have visions, and I am aware some plans might not happen or not quickly work out my way. My promises and plans include places to travel, places to eat, my job, and advocacy or plans for my parents and

aunties. I always have the chance to make it happen. It doesn't need to be at the most opportune moment. I'll work hard to make it happen as long as I'm still here.

October 15, 2021                                                           Journal #2

I had a blessed week. I was able to wrap up our synchronous class and asynchronous this week. It's Friday, and it feels nice to look forward to this weekend. I am glad that I could make the plans that I started last week, which is exercising, and it benefits me both physically and mentally. I become more relaxed and productive. Also, because of that, I was able to decide on a new thing, It wasn't new, but it's like an unfished chapter. It is reading a book. I honestly don't have a massive enthusiasm for reading books. I prefer watching and seeing things rather than reading and imagining. But I ran into a Facebook post about a compilation of self-help book to try to help us understand our self more. As I see all the books posted. I was caught by the book

"101 Essays that will change how the way you think" by Brianna West. I was intrigued by the title, so I decided to take a glimpse of how will it be. I was actually hesitant at first. I have been reading books for years. I've been purchasing and purchasing books. I started, then I paused and read again, but most of the time, I didn't really finish anything. The books that I started keep on filling up; that's why I hesitate. But this week, I start again, I put myself together, and I start reading again. Then, the night passed, and I was able able to read 15 pages that night. I kept reading at the same time the next day. I found myself being mesmerized by the words and thoughts of the author. I kept on writing phrases and quotes that my notes for this year suddenly felt alive. I read, and line by line kept on talking to me as if I was talking to someone.

 As if I hear words that I wish to hear. Even tears keep on falling. I continued that until today I was on the 22nd essay page 83/304. I am so proud of myself that I wanted to talk about this today as I also end my week. I'll continue to read this book not just because of the promise that I will commit but because I need this. I feel like I need this kind of commitment with me. I feel like I need this book with me. No matter how long it will take, I will finish this and feel better every day. This week made me feel not just better but broader. As I read this book, I learned why people need to read books and why they should finish that. Books are like us. We came here naked and unknown we grow pages by pages every day we write our life. We sometimes have lost pages as we get old. We might look different and get mushy3

But, we continue to have stories, to have life, and meet new characters to share our stories with. This week was very fruitful, and I am grateful to be alive. 

October 22, 2021                                                               Journal #3 

Another blessed week. I am happy to end this week as I notice my planner is full of crossed-out tasks. I had a sigh of relief to use this weekend to work and help my aunties. For this week, I didn't just cross out my academic task. I was able to pull out a nail in my heart. It's something that has kept on burdening me for years. I had a friend. Yes, we're friends before things suddenly change and become uncomfortable. He was a good friend that I became close. He shares his family's concerns. We became good friends, and it was 2019. He was a schoolmate. But things change. He feels different towards me. He feels something romantic between us. He never said it because our friends said he was afraid of my reaction.

Then, October of 2019 came. He told me how he felt via messenger. I didn't respond. But prior to that, I knew what he feels I just chose to neglect it to avoid being uncomfortable with him. I also hypothetically told him that in case my friend would feel something romantic towards me, I might not feel okay about it, But he still told me. After that, we became really uncomfortable with each other we didn't talk until the end of the school year, and the pandemic happened. But this week on Wednesday. We're able to talk because of a friend. I was too afraid to talk about anything with him. I feel like I might say something offensive, or I don't really know where to start. I feel distant from him because I didn't see him for almost two years. It was a nerve-wracking moment for me

But I collect myself and bravely talk to him. I said hi, and he said hello. By then, we're able to talk more naturally about how we've been. What is going on in our lives? About our family, It feels like just old times. Although I feel like there is still a distance, maybe because of the time that we didn't talk and see each other. But after that, I feel really happy and free. I've been distancing and avoiding him for years. But that courage allows me to reunite with a friend and free myself from that load in my heart. I was able to realize when I got home that what if I do that much more earlier? But I realized it's just the right time. If I talk to him before, I might say things that I will regret and will hurt him. Now both of us are a little mature to understand that it happened, and we shouldn't burn ourselves to that past. I apologize for taking it too long to talk to him and having too much pride.

He just smiled and said it's all in the past. I don't think we really become friends again. But I am glad to talk and reach out to him about how he is. It was a meaningful moment to realize that I might encounter such a period where I might not be able to keep all my friends. But as Alexa Gonzaga also said, "You're not maturing if you don't lose friends" that we have to deal with that person's purpose in our life is only in that period that we have to accept that and grow with that goodbyes.

It was such a meaningful week for me. 

October 29, 2021                                                      Journal #4

What a busy week, but a busy week means productivity happens. I am looking forward to our wellness break, so I finished all of the remaining activities and responsibilities that I should do. I wanted to make use of that time to visit and see my parents. This week is healing for me. Last Sunday was my Father’s 57’th Birthday. Glory to God, who gives him another year to be with us. I was able to see him again and hold his warm hands. I was able to start my week with energy and motivation because of that. This week my significant decision is about my decision to be vaccinated.I believe in the necessity of the vaccine, not just for me but most importantly for my family and the community. But, also, as an individual, I had a lot of worries and questions. I watch a lot of webinars from our school and outside.

I taught myself about the vaccine, its importance, and how it will affect everyone and our everyday lives: last Wednesday, October 27, 2021. I decided to be vaccinated. I got Pfizer Vaccine in Antipolo City. I am also pleased to see that a lot of people want to be vaccinated. So after, I am proud of myself that I was able to overcome another accomplishment in my life.  This has been my week. I am looking forward for our wellness break. 

November 5, 2021                                                            Journal 5

It's hard. This month is probably one of my challenging phases in life. Especially this past few weeks, my mind feels like hitting on rock bottom. I can't focus. My mind is a mess, and I'm even having a hard time breathing; sometimes, my heart feels heavy. I thought at first maybe it's because of burnout, or perhaps I am overloaded with things that I should do, and it will pass. But, I doesn't, I suddenly feel weak, and one night I was doing school stuff, I suddenly felt heavy, and I cried. Tears suddenly keep on flowing, and I'm holding myself back, but I can't stop it. The next day I still felt weird to the point that I wanted to go to my mother. Oh my gosh, I'm crying while I'm writing this. I wanted to go to her, but I couldn't because I felt like it would affect her more.

 That she will feel bad for me, I can't bear to see that. So, I continue what I have to do that day. I work, study, help my aunties, do chores then that night. A friend called me, and she asked me how I was and when can we go out and hang out again. She told me she was having a hard time and wanted to call because she needed someone to talk to. I am saying many positive things to her, then she suddenly asks how I was, and I just said, " Uhmm, I don't know either.... and then tears and words suddenly flow. All along, I thought I was just tired physically, and it's because of that, but after that, I think it was more than just feeling tired. That phone call helped me. I don't want to tell people when I am tired or having a hard time because growing up, I keep getting through that by myself.

I kept on surviving alone before, so I thought I would be able to keep on doing that. But because of that situation, I understood why my friends tell me when they're having a hard time. It's not because they want me to tell them what to do, but they need someone to hear what they think and feel, and after experiencing that, I feel grateful to my friend ( Rexie ) for asking me and listening to what me that moment. This wellness break, I enjoyed it. I was able to see my parents again to celebrate my nephews' birthday. It was healing and a great opportunity to spend time together. My significant decision for this week is to allow myself to tell what I feel and overcome things with the people I care about and who care about me. This has been my wellness break. 

November 12, 2021                                                            Journal #6

We are unique from each other. After watching the video of Dr. Iris on Why people have different personalities, it concluded that We are Unique from each other. We might encounter the same situation and expect others to react the same way we did, or based on the moral or ethical standard we believe, we are all built differently. The life, family, and choices we may vary and contribute to our preferences, personality, and the desire we create. I also recall among people I know when she asks if I know someone who feels or acts that way.For me, it is necessary to navigate the people around us and observe carefully what they say, and try to understand what they’re coming.  I am also like that I say mean things to my friends when I get furious about their situation, and they seem not to know what is right, but then when I am home

I feel sorry for nagging instead of listening for saying things that they shouldn’t hear at that moment. Now, I am trying to improve that. We all have different needs and goals we want to accomplish in this life. As a future teacher, it is necessary first to listen, process then react. It might take long for me to go on the transcendence, but I wish, and I will. 

November 19, 2021                                                              Journal #7

Validation. 

It's weekend again, and December and Christmas are around the corner. I am busy with school, part-time, and other commitments and living well. Today I wanted to write about what I have gone through this week. Do I love myself enough? I got questioned myself.  I went through a series of self-assessment this year. How I physically look, I feel. The choices I make and promises with myself, but I discovered something I am not sure of all along this week. Listening to those precious people around me, such as my friends, is what I always do. I also admit that sometimes I rather listen to them rather than share what I feel or think. Even when I am having a hard time,