Our society progresses and brings us such civilization under the beautiful night sky. But if our lovely world is the crowded city, where the lights never stop shining, then depression lies in the darkest corners of a slum-the place so vulnerable in each and every one of us. And that’s where the truth’s hidden. Now, it shall be told.

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The sun starts setting before my eyes, drawing a close to yet another tiring day like any other...

< 21/07/2019 >

Dear Diary,

I love the ocean. It seems like only when I’m standing in front of the sea, I can truly feel freedom. Maybe it’s the only one that I’m interested in in this cruel world. I just wanna dip myself in the cold water, get away from those afflictions, get away from those selfish people.  

One day in the future, I will leave this world. 

< 15/08/2019 >

Some people say that goldfish can only have the memory of 24 hours. Every day is like a brand new life to it. 

I wonder… if people are able to have goldfish’s memory… then how my life would change having that superpower? Day passing by, I would forget all of the painful memories, all of the sadness. When tomorrow comes, everything will be alright, isn’t it? 

I’m exhausted. Please don’t torture me anymore! Leave me alone!

<  02/10 /2019  >

Depression…

I suddenly realized that I have been living with it these 4 years.

That sort of feeling is like watching yourself fall into a deep hole with no end. Back then, I didn’t feel any emotions. I couldn’t feel what it was like to live. I couldn’t get help from anyone else, and I couldn’t express what was in my heart. 

I really want to tell others that I have depression, but why is it so hard to get out of my mouth? I don’t know why, if it was some other disease, I would be able to get a report which would show cells that had died, and I would get so many people’s compassion and empathy. But with depression, someone is bound to say: “What’s so bad about depression? I’m depressed too.” And some people would say: “Is it so bad? You seem happy all the time!” Everyone is busy, everyone is tired. When I saw how they doubt me, I really want to say: “My tiredness is not like yours.” But I can’t. Depression is like a black hole, it took with it all of my emotions. Even the simplest little thing saps my energy hundreds of times more than others. 

I can’t eat, I can’t get out of bed. Whenever I see the window, I just want to jump out. How can other people get past their negative emotions but I still lose to them? 

It’s just like, everything is all my fault. The reason I have depression is just because I wasn’t strong enough.

But now, I think I’ve found a slight hope for my life. For so long, I’ve only had a single emotion, but now I can clearly feel... a painful happiness, and a hopeless hope. He made me feel a ray of hope in infinite darkness, and it was so warm. He was also the one who told me that I can take care of other people, and that I’m important. 

<  07/12 /2019  >

“Slam!”

Mom has gone. Leave me alone in the dark room. I can feel... the monster is coming again.

I’m not a good child. I make mom disappointed.

“Your score rank has dropped again. How many times have I told you? Mom and dad have sacrificed so much for your sake! Why can't you have a better result?”

Encouragement turned into pressure, and desperation replaced hope. Those beautiful words pushed me into a dead-end. 

It’s my fault, it’s all my fault. I caused all of the unhappiness. Every day, I tried to tell myself I had to grit my teeth and get through it. I've grown far too familiar to be in the dark, alone.

But mom... How can I carry on? My heart's now only a candle's light, slowly, slowly dies out, blending into the darkness I always fear.

< 27/01/2020 >

I want to get rid of the facade I've always been putting up.

I gradually get used to wearing a social mask and keeping relationships with people. When I'm with friends, I always feel that cheerfulness becomes more reluctant. I don’t even know the reason why. I struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost me more and more. I slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out. I don’t have any motivation. I can’t remember the feeling of waking up in the morning and being happy. I’m ashamed of everything I’ve done. I gradually isolated myself from everyone. Sometimes, I wanted to cut these relationships off completely. Living a life with no motivation and a lack of purpose is unbearable for me. Once in a while, I think of death as if I longed for it. 

I wish I had never been born.

< 29/02/2020 >

Today, we broke up. 

It just… suddenly my heart feels calm and quiet, everything is permeated with sadness and loneliness. I miss him, really miss him. I used to believe that he would be the one who takes me out of the darkness. But until the end, who would want to be with an unusual person? 

After all, I still missed him, like losing the whole world. No matter how beautiful the past was, it’s over. 

How should I face the following days? 

< 15/04/2020 > 

Love doesn't exist.

The sun is setting, as usual - and I'm going home. I know what's waiting for me - Do you understand what it's like not having a happy family?

Tears roll down my cheeks and it's too familiar for me. Maybe, life is too harsh? My father probably doesn't even know how I study, my mom doesn't even remember what I like to eat. 

I know I’m selfish but I need attention, even just a little. Although they don’t love me anymore, I still love them like before. I just want to see their smile one more time.

Sometimes I wanna give up, but I can't. Everything makes me feel blue. I'm hopeless. I wish I had a friend to share with me.