The Behaviour

I chose to decrease in frequency is going on my phone during social gatherings and interactions.

Baseline Behaviour

(First 3 Days)

Day 1

Dear Diary,

The behaviour occurred when I went to the living room to talk to my older sister in the morning since she had just come back from Vancouver and I haven’t seen her since Christmas and we rarely get to talk on the phone when she is there. She had already been here for four days and I just wanted to spend some more time with her since I was unsure of the length of her visit and the next time I’d get the chance. While I was talking she went on her phone and then my other sisters came and they went on their devices. While they were all on their devices we were still continuing our conversation despite its lack of engagement. Then I went on my phone scrolling through Instagram, checking Snapchat until the conversation died out and I left the room.

In the evening my sisters and I had planned a movie night two days prior at 8 pm. My mood was up and down throughout the day (because someone went on a grocery run and one of my sisters ate my Twizzlers) so around the time the movie was going to start I was in an almost numb state which happens often whenever I express intense emotions.

At this point, I wanted to watch the movie and get it over with because being in my bedroom alone was less mentally exhausting. However, when my sister called me downstairs to watch the movie I pushed my emotions aside and went ready to watch the film she was excited about, “parasite”. My sister was struggling to get everyone downstairs and to stay downstairs and in the midst of everyone moving back and forth I sat in the corner on my phone and when my family was talking to me I continued going on my phone until my older sisters abruptly cut through the chaos and in a voice the could be confused for anger or passion “Amenze put away your phone” and finally we pressed play. The movie wasn’t working, and then the subtitles weren’t working which was needed because the film parasite is in Korean. While my sister was trying to keep everyone to stay downstairs and fix the movie she was asking for help and I was replying and helping her while still being on my phone.

From Amenze

Day 2

Dear Diary,

I went on my phone mid-day so around 12 pm, when I went downstairs and I was listening to music while washing dishes. During this task, my mom was calling me to help her with the task of fixing our thermostat/ connecting it to wifi. I was trying to communicate with her while changing songs and I couldn’t completely hear her or efficiently help her because I was trying to do multiple things at once which messed up both things because I put a song I didn’t want to hear and my mom got upset that I wasn’t listening or at least trying to. 

My little sister was watching something and I went to the living room on my phone just to be around her. So I started to talk about what we wanted to eat for lunch and we were going through options like fries, pasta, salad and the conversation went on as we listed more options but couldn’t really decide. It took much longer than it should have because we were still on our devices throughout the conversation. Finally, I asked her to help me with the game I was playing and she completed the level I needed help on and went back to watching her show and I went back to my room. Never coming to a conclusion of what we would eat for lunch.

Also when, my mom came into my room while I was scrolling through Instagram and watching my friends Snapchat stories. She came in for my phone because she had bought it for her trip to Nigeria and gave me her old phone during the trip. So she downloaded WhatsApp on the new phone and had met a lot of people on her trip that she could only contact through that app on the new phone which she gave me when she got back.  Before she said she needed my phone she was talking to me about random topics and once she mentioned my dad I zoned out and continued checking my social while trying to say some “mmhhh” here and there. My mind wandering and intense scrolling was put to an end when she said I need to borrow your phone and I gave it to her. 

Lastly, around 11 pm my older sister and I were practicing this song for like 30-ish minutes and later she went on to make up songs about being quarantined and then me and any random thought that would come to her head. Now it was almost 1 am and she was still singing and we would end each song how this virus needs to subside soon because she is getting way too bored and has way too much energy to be in the house all the time. After a couple of songs and laughter, she was still singing and I went on my phone because I had got a notification from my friend. Now while my sister was singing I was kinda still talking and laughing with her but I was also texting back to my friend about our sleep schedules and Costco. Soon after the laughter dialed down more and my friend and I were sending texts back and forth I looked up to see her on her phone and soon after we called it a night which meant watching Netflix and entering each other’s rooms until one we fell asleep. 

From,

Amenze

Day 3

Dear Diary,

In the morning I woke up and went on my phone initially checking my Instagram and Snapchat for any message. After watching all of my friends' Snapchat stories I went on Instagram because there is no limit on the number of videos and pictures I can see. Since after I’m done looking at my friends I can just go on the search section where it shows many things I’m interested in. After about an hour I went to my mom’s room to say good morning and then we started having a conversation. Then she went to get something from the washroom yet continued speaking so I went on my phone while trying to keep up the conversation. However, when she left the washroom I was still on my phone and then she stopped talking abruptly because she thought I was not listening and so I reassured her That I was and the conversation ended quickly after. 

Later around 11 am my sisters and I were downstairs watching an online sermon since we cannot go to church due to the quarantine. Eventually, I went on my phone and was playing the Wordscapes game that I downloaded during the quarantine.

After I got to a certain point in the game where I couldn’t find another word I put away my phone and continued listening. After a while, I went back on my phone on Instagram and went off which continued for a large part of the service until the pastor used a metaphor that really caught my attention which I could have drawn in my notebook. The metaphor example ended I continued the pattern until the end of the sermon

Later in the day around 7 pm, I was talking to my little sister and we decided to watch once upon a time (a television show) while the show was playing. We were keeping the talking to a minimum except for our short reactions. If we had something to say about the show we would pause it, speak, and then we would continue the show. However when my friend called I said I couldn’t exactly pick because I was watching something so we began texting back and for about 5-7 minutes. When I finished texting I looked up to find my sister watching something else which she wanted to show me but I wasn’t interested in it. As I persisted in pleading with her to go back to watching the show she said: “ Your one to talk, you were just texting your friend”. Finally, she said fine and we finished watching the episode. 

From Amenze

When did the Behaviour occur...

It occurred when everyone else I was surrounded by was on their phone   It occurred when I was angry/ impatient.

It did not occur when I was genuinely happy or really interested.

It did not occur when people pointed it out

Or when the conversation

Or social activity I was engaging in required an immense amount of focus.

It occurred when I was already on my device before the conversation occurred.

It occurred when I got notifications. 

It occurred when my emotions got the best of me

or when I felt none at all

It became a habit

Forever tainting my socializing skills

 My Feelings Associated with the Behaviour

With the behaviour came feelings or acceptance/ inclusion that I had done something other people were doing but the absence came with vulnerability, as if not going on my phone while others would, would allow others to see me as less than because I couldn’t hold a conversation that other people were so intrigued that they wouldn’t question going on there devices. It’s absence made me feel excluded from their world and left alone in one where people cared enough to give you undivided attention to what you were saying. 

The behaviour came a feeling of escape, freedom, and release because I got to enter a world that no one else could at that moment. It allowed me to not face what I was actually feeling at that moment because I was distracted. Without it, I felt bare, too unguarded because anyone could talk to me and I would feel entitled to a response. Without it, I felt confined to my reality of mixed emotions and chaos. 

Feeling safe. Getting a feeling of comfort that I wasn’t coming across as desperate or too eager/ interested in order for the person to make more of an effort to talk or get my attention and basically anything but leave. It also felt safe because it was something I was already doing and in a certain kind of rhythm and changing that rhythm would be less predictable. It didn’t occur when I felt safe in the interaction where I didn’t care what it appeared to look like or I knew it wouldn’t disrupt my peace.

Little bumps of happiness on my flat line chart of emotions. So if something had just happened that made me happy and that moment came to an end or was getting out from the grasp of my hands I went on my phone so I could hold on to a copycat version of that feeling. Less authentic but it gets the job done. In the absence of it, I feel out of control of my emotions. Like my happiness/ gratification was slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it.

I continued to feel entertained which didn’t make me sad or happy, it just sustained my mundane state. The mindless scrolling gave me access to other people’s stories that are not more interesting than my mom’s because she is someone I care about. They are just a variety of new stories and I didn’t need to listen to anything. Since I am more of a visual learner than auditory, it just became like I was holding on to a rope and it’s much easier to let yourself be dragged along than to let go. 

With this behaviour came a feeling of intrigue. Lately, my relationship with the church has been unsteady and the thought of having to spend maybe an hour pretending or hearing things I had conflicting feelings towards was not fun, interesting, or something I would want to do.   Therefore going on my phone was a more interesting and fun matter. It also made me feel in control because I felt forced to listen. Also, it is a more secretive option because no one really knows what you're doing on your phone unless they’re behind you so I could have been on a bible app as opposed to trying to find a 3 letter word that ends in e.

Why do you do it, or Forget to do it...

I do it because it feels better

It is much easier to indulge in a reality that may not be mine

But has a slight chance of attainability as opposed to facing my current circumstances.

I can hold onto a slither of hope

I do it because I care about what others think

I did it because others were doing it

I no longer want to seem different

All my life I have been the big, tall, clumsy, loud, black girl

Sometimes I tired of standing out

Being the ripple in still waters

I did it because I don’t like feeling unfinished

It just remains in the back of my mind as another thing I have not done

Like glitter that skins on my skin

I did it because I got a notification that hooked me like a fish

I gave in to see where it took me

I did it because that opportunity of going on my phone when I felt like it was slipping out of my hands and I wanted to hold on for as long as I could. 

I did it because I didn’t want to feel bored even for a second

Or else I would have to think about my life

My mind almost never stops thinking or worrying unless I’m distracted

Which puts my brain on pause as I dive into the topic on hand

I did it because I was tired of pretending

Though this action didn’t scream my emotions to my family

At least it was a harsh whisper.

Enough for them to hear something and know I have changed.

I did because happiness is a rare drug.

So when I have it I want more.

I’m the kid that goes trick or treating and eats all the candy in one day because one just wasn’t enough

Until it’s all done and I realize it should have been

But It was all or nothing and I wanted it all

I forget to do it when the moment I’m in has a fear element

When a moment is so beautiful that I feel it won’t come again

Or so incredibly messy that I feel I’m needed  

When am I Likely to Display this Behvaiour?

When I get a notification because it reminds me someone cares

When the interaction disturbed my behaviour. 

I’m likely to display this behaviour when I’m bored or tired. 

I’m likely to display this behaviour when everyone around me is doing the same or when I feel upset.

 I fail to display this behaviour when I am genuinely happy or I know it will upset someone. 

I’m likely to display the behaviour when I think it’s fleeting

When I am in not in control

Dear Diary,

The Benefits to Continuing my Current Behaviour are...

The benefits were being included and guarded (because in my culture vulnerability and expressive emotion are seen as a bad thing that should be hidden). Another benefit is that I not only guard myself against what people might think (which has been drilled into me to be of the utmost importance since I was a child) but also from my emotions I’m not ready or in the right headspace to take head on.

It keeps my mind from wandering so I feel less anxious and out of place at that moment. I don’t need to think. It also, continues the party/ fun because I would rather settle for the counterfeit version than none at all. Furthermore, I can submerge into a world with instant gratification, acceptance, and reassurance and to quote Hannah Montana “ I get the best of both worlds” living a double life.

A benefit is feeling loved with each notification to know that someone or something is thinking about you. It’s the feelings associated with the behaviour that is not profound but they may make me smile or at least not frown. Finally it lets me feel more human connection and feel included by my peers.

From Amenze

Dear Diary,

The Detriments to Continuing my Current Behaviour are...

I hurt the people I love and care about by making them feel not heard, or not good enough to hear. Another detriment is that though I receive automatic acceptance into the easier world of the web I simultaneously become more excluded and less aware of the world I am stuck in. Which is a good thing in the short term but bad when inevitably I won’t always have the opportunity to run from my problem like that and when I return to this world I fear it would become so unrecognizable I would be forced to constantly go to the easier one. 

I hurt myself in the long run because too much screen time is not good for my mental health as I start to compare myself to things online which aren’t real. Giving me an unrealistic expectation I can’t reach. It makes me lose a sense of time and soon my day blends into night and I wasted another day in my life feeling numb like a robot on autopilot. 

I end up feeling disconnected from the real world. I can’t fully enjoy the experiences life brings whether small or grand because I’m too scared to truly be alive and open to life’s experiences.  

  From Amenze

The Modification

(Day 1 to Day 7)

My positive reinforcement was walking.

While my negative reinforcement was cleaning.

Dear Diary,

Deciding My Positive Reward

People that motivate me to change my behaviour are people that I love. So my family are great motivators because I care about their perception of me since they mean so much to me. So I don’t ever want them to be disappointed in who I am or for me to hurt them. Another motivator is doing tasks that I am good at such as sports or tasks that I cannot mess up like eating or watching something but these tend to be less effective in the long run. 

My favorite things to do involve a lot of sitting/ little movement or the complete opposite. I’m a very lazy athlete so I enjoy binge-watching shows, shows because It’s entertaining and fun to think of someone else with such intense emotions. Also doing activities where I can submerge into or create another world such as writing/ reading without a purpose. Yet I also love running in a competitive setting, being outdoors, and walks without a purpose. Doing things without a destination or real goal in mind helps me stop focusing on the next thing which causes me to fast- forward through life. Whereas doing something without a set purpose makes me live in the moment and really enjoy what is happening.

Also, I love being around people I care about in an environment that our personalities will thrive in. Lastly, I love eating in the off-season because I don’t have to consciously think of what is entering my body and whether that will hinder my performance.

The quarantine limits the rewards I would usually provide myself with so I was able to provide going outdoors which is no longer taken for granted under these circumstances since I am inside all day. I can also provide food that I don’t typically eat (so it’s associated with celebratory or social events like cake). I am able to provide steaming services but I did not want the reward to be something I can do electronically or on my phone. I could read books or write yet these are activities I do daily so the absence of them would be punishing yet rewarding them would not be good enough because I feel entitled to it. Lastly, I could provide doing activities like baking or painting which I do not do often but I could live without it.

I am able to deny myself certain foods because I have been doing that for sports so It would not have been as satisfying. I could also live without baking and painting for a couple of days because I don’t usually do it since I am busy with school and it takes a long time